What Do You Mean We Shouldn't Hang Out With Other Cops?

While speaking with a friend and mentor the other day, we touched on a subject that we're all told since day one; "you shouldn't just hang out with other cops, it's not healthy and you need friends outside policing".

While I whole heartedly agree that you should have a plethora of friends outside the job, there should be absolutely nothing wrong with CONNECTING with those we work with outside of our rotation. Connection is key, and unfortunately we are subject matter experts at keeping our conversations on surface level bullshit.

I'm not saying we need to bare our souls to each other every time we're together, that's ridiculous and nobody would want that, but it's possible to be comfortable talking about the challenges we're facing instead of just how bad the Canucks were the other night. 

Aside from the logistical challenges of keeping a healthy friendship with someone who doesn't also work a rotating shift schedule, add COVID to the mix and our co workers are most likely the only friends in our "bubble" anyway. So, how do we avoid the ever tempting rabbit hole of our cop conversations deteriorating into the telling of war stories, and complaining about that new policy everyone hates? Below are a few suggestions that hopefully don't sound like some sort of dating guide:

1. First and most obvious, make the intention to not talk about the job! It will come up, and it is incredibly easy to just stay on that path for beer after beer (or kombucha after kombucha for some of us). Be disciplined and consciously shift the subject when you start going down that path. It helps if both of you are on the same page with this, since it's much easier and safer if we stay on the surface and only talk about work. You'll need to actually fight that temptation (especially at first), but it's worth it. 

2. Use the word "really". Simply adding really, after "how're you doing?" can be all that's needed to take a conversation to another level. As simple as it sounds, it's an invitation for your friend to reply with more then just "I'm good, you?". See how quickly we can deflect the conversation away from ourselves? We are SO good at deflecting attention from us, so we need to actually put effort in to break away from that. 

3. Be vulnerable.....If that word didn't scare you off, I don't mean sit on their couch and cry. I mean bring up real shit that you're going through. Talk about how your sex life sucks at the moment, or how you lost your temper at your kids the other day for pretty much no reason. I am continuously blown away at how much we (men especially) are just waiting for an invitation to talk. If your friend sees you go deeper, he will too (TRUST ME), and in sharing that struggle, legitimate ride or die type relationships are made. 

There is absolutely a time and place to talk shop or just hang out and watch the game, but meaningful connection only comes with at least a little bit of effort. Imagine leaving swing shift beer night feeling legitimately fulfilled/recharged, instead of just buzzed and even more agitated from whining about the shitty call dispatch pinned you with for the last 2 hours?

Put in the effort to make your relationships fulfilling, not just time consuming.

Thoughts? How do you break the cycle of non stop shop talk? 

K.