10-9?

There’s a reason 10 codes are a thing. Clear, concise, and easy to understand when stressed. How about your regular communication? Is it any of those? Mine sure as hell isn’t very often, but sometimes, when I’m on my game, it definitely is. Our job can make communication with our families incredibly difficult at times, but have you put much thought in how to make it a lot easier? 

Avoid the story. While both listening and speaking. A common pitfall is letting our communication turn into a form of story telling. Instead of stating what we actually feel. We’ll spend the conversation justifying that feeling, and sometime’s during that story, we will even speak strategically to help convince the other person that it’s valid. Sound familiar?

There’s a multitude of reasons why we do this. I know when I fall into this pattern, it's generally because I haven’t taken the time to identify what the emotion is that I was feeling (good or bad). Unconsciously, that story telling gives me time to figure that out, but it also makes it really hard for whoever is listening to follow along and make sense of it. Especially if you’re doing so in an argument. A sneaky tactic of story telling is also that it keeps you from just shutting the fuck up and being vulnerable. Instead of saying “my chest is tight, and I’m feeling really negative/frustrated”, we’ll dance around that for minutes in hopes of getting the point across without having to admit anything.

How about when you get the feeling something is off with your partner? Do you get pissy and ask something like “what’s wrong with you?”, or do you bring it up in a supportive way with something more along the lines of “hey, I’m getting a vibe that somethings off. I have some time if you’d like to chat about whatever it is, or maybe later if that’s better?”. The beauty with being able to confront that “vibe” (in a non-accusatory way), is that it doesn’t let you go into the spiral of telling yourself a story that something you did caused the issue with the other person. Or that they must be thinking this/that when in fact you have no idea. This is such a slippery slope to go down, and in the end we only end up taking on responsibility for something that isn’t ours to hold, and potentially making something out of nothing. See how this can keep spiraling? 

When we learn to speak inarguably, we can begin to open the door to clear and honest communication. Even if we’re too pissed off, or pouty to actually want to talk, we can at least communicate the physical feeling as a start, such as the reply mentioned earlier “my chest is tight, and I’m feeling really negative/frustrated”. Clear, concise, and easy to understand when stressed. And if it doesn’t have anything to do with the person asking, TELL THEM! Imagine how much more at ease they will feel knowing that, and how willing they will be to support you in getting out of that funk, as opposed to them getting defensive by telling themselves a story that you’re pissed off at them? 

Finally, a lot of us have the knee jerk reaction to CONSTANTLY, just reply to people asking us how we’re doing with “oh fine, just tired”. I used to (and still do far to often) do this all the time. Looking back at it, its not only incredibly selfish, but it just adds to everything else you might already be bottling up, and like we’ve talking about before, we have got to get more skilled at unloading that stuff regardless of how insignificant it might seem.

The physical tools like exercise, meditation, breath work, cold exposure, journaling, etc are great, but communication is hugely underrated in this perspective. You just can’t keep stuffing every stressor down, and then expect a 5k to completely clear your head. It doesn’t work like that. 

On the flip side of communication, how about the challenge of listening to your partner when you are fried from a tough shift/lack of sleep, and are having trouble paying attention? I’ll share a pretty kick ass tool to help with that next.

K.